someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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