are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
