ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize