i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
