Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
