I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
