Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
