Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
