He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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