why im i the only drunk person in the library?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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