I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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