the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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