Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
