i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
