Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
