Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
