Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
