you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
