this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
