I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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