I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
