hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
