2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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