Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
