You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm really busy with my period
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