The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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