i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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