If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize