Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
