I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
