The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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