I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was confusing and full of hummus
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
