i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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