if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
