Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
