my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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