Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
