I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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