eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
