I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize