I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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