I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i came on her dog
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
