So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
