Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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