So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
