I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
