The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Two words: blizzard sex
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
