I can text with my tongue
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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