It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize