if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
