Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
