do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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