One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
