The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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