I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
