Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
