just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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