Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
