I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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